All I’ve wanted is a baby and to have a family with my husband. You think it would be easy, right? Two people in love. Simple. Well, that wasn’t the case for us. We tried. Trust me, we tried. Turns out I was the problem. My body doesn’t ovulate like it should, so my chances are limited. It’s extremely hard to hear your body doesn’t do something that it should naturally do. It’s even harder to hear when it is preventing you from having the one thing you want more than anything in the world. I won’t go into the whole beginning of my journey… but ultimately with the help of modern medicine, I am blessed to say that my husband and I are expecting our own little miracle.
There I was, pregnant in my first trimester. I was starting the family I dreamed of having so I should be happy, right? I should be glowing like people say, right? This was the complete opposite for me... I was in bed. Just lying there in bed in the dark. Before I keep going, let me make it very clear; I am beyond grateful to be pregnant. I know I am extremely blessed to be growing a tiny miracle. While I know I was always grateful and always will be, it was hard for me to exude that. I was suffering from debilitating morning sickness. I ended up in the hospital three different times for dehydration because I couldn’t keep anything down. The weight loss alone made me super concerned for our baby. The physical sickness rapidly started taking a toll on my mental well-being. Would I ever actually enjoy this? Is my baby okay? Can I do this? Am I going to be okay? I can’t even get out of bed, how am I going to be a mom? No one understood what I was feeling everyday so I just laid there day after day and cried.
It took some time, the sickness faded, and there I was– I made it through my second trimester– now currently in my third. Now, you’re probably thinking she just had morning sickness, she needs to suck it up. Every pregnant woman goes through morning sickness, why can’t she? Finally, the sickness faded. I stopped throwing up and was able to keep food down. However, the ‘sick’ thoughts didn’t. The thoughts started becoming more and more intrusive. Anxiety and worrying started becoming a regular thing. I am still constantly worrying about everything. What if something happens to the baby while I’m in labor? What if something happens to me and the baby has to grow up without a mom? What if my husband has to choose? He will choose the baby, right? Because I will never forgive him if he doesn’t. These thoughts consumed me. And still do. They were there when I was awake and they were there in my dreams. I couldn’t escape them.
The worst was when I began worrying about the thoughts themselves. I was wondering if there was something wrong with me on top of the horrific scenarios playing through my mind. This was beginning to be too much. Sure, I tried to chalk it up to hormones since they are all out of whack during your pregnancy. This was different though. This was like a mix of the worst PMS you could possibly imagine topped off with a never-ending anxiety attack. Now, I’m not a stranger to the darkness. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Manic Depression for years. I’ve taken medication and I’ve also handled it with just lifestyle changes. But these dark thoughts, the ones of wishing the pregnancy had never happened or it would inexplicably end, wasn’t something I was used to.
My worst mistake during all of this was not talking to someone sooner because I was too ashamed. How do you tell someone you are having these thoughts without feeling like a terrible mom? Like a terrible person? How do you talk about it without feeling judged? Speak up, because the sooner you speak up the sooner you will find your glow.
This is where I wish I knew about WhiteFlag sooner. Being able to talk to someone who understands everything I’m feeling and every thought I was having, is such a relaxing and reassuring feeling. That is why I think peer to peer support is so helpful. Instead of just talking to a friend who always has your back, you can talk to someone who has actually experienced a similar situation as me. And anonymously? Sign me up! Download the WhiteFlag App today so you no longer have to suffer in silence like I did.
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