When Recovery Feels Like It’s Taking Forever

Rebecca Hilliard

Guest Blogger

I’ve been in therapy for twelve years, been to five different treatment centers, have worked so hard to heal, and sometimes it feels like it’s not making a difference at all. I know my therapist is helping me, but most of the time it feels like recovery is taking forever. I wonder how I could be working so hard to recover for all these years and still be struggling so much. Things are still so incredibly hard for me, and I still feel so debilitated by my trauma. I still feel like I have to work so hard to get through each day, and all I’m doing is surviving. I haven’t found any relief yet. And sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it. I wonder what the point of all this work is. But somewhere inside me, there is this fire that wants to heal. There is this determination to keep going, even when it feels like nothing is getting better. There is the knowledge that I deserve a life that’s more than just surviving. And so I keep going.

I wake up from nightmares every morning, disoriented about where I am and when it is, feeling like the trauma just happened. I live every day full of anxiety and panic, and go to bed feeling like the trauma is about to happen again. It’s no way to live, but I keep going. Because my therapist believes in me. Because she says recovery and healing are possible. Because she sees the changes and growth I’m making, even if I can’t.

My trauma lasted for most of my childhood. I experienced it for years—more years than I have been in therapy. And it makes sense that it would take just as long, or longer, to recover from it than it did to experience it. I’m not just recovering from one incident. I’m recovering from years of ongoing abuse that shaped who I am, how I view the world, and my beliefs about myself. I’m undoing years of lies I was told and messages I received about who I was. I’m rebuilding what my abusers took from me.

Of course it’s going to take a long time. Of course it’s going to take a lot of years and a lot of work. It’s why a lot of people don’t finish the work—because it’s too hard, and it’s too scary, and accepting that the abuse really happened is so overwhelming. It feels easier to stay in denial. But I want a life that is free from my trauma. I want to be able to wake up and know that it has ended, and to feel safe in my body.

Of course this is going to take years. I grew up in survival mode. My most developmental years were filled with abuse. My nervous system only knows how to function in fight or flight. It’s going to take a while to teach it that it’s actually safe now. It makes sense that I would need more years of therapy than the number of years the abuse happened. My nervous system needs time to see that it really is over, and that it’s not going to happen again.

Even though it feels like I’m not making any progress, I can look back to where I was nine years ago and see that things are so different now than they were then. I am actually making progress, even if I can’t see it on a daily basis. I like to think of it as watching a tree grow. You can’t tell day to day that it’s actually growing, but under the soil its roots are growing and spreading, and its leaves are soaking in the sun. A lot of its growth is under the surface, but one day you look back five years and you can tell how much it has grown.

It’s the same for those of us working to heal. We go to therapy and do all the things, and you can’t see the change from day to day—but under the surface, our core beliefs are slowly changing, and our brain is learning a new way of thinking. Healing is happening, even when it feels like it’s not.

If you can relate to this, know that it’s not just you. So many trauma survivors and people with mental illness feel the same way. No one in your life may understand, but there are those of us out here who do and who want to support you. The WhiteFlag app is an amazing resource, and you can find other people there who will understand what you’re going through.

You can also find me on Instagram. I have an account just for people like us: @inthistogethernow_. You might feel completely alone in this, but we are here with you. Look back to where you were five years ago, or ten years ago, and see if you can spot the changes you’ve made or how things are different now. Even if you have to look hard, they’ll be there.

Keep going, one step at a time—because you deserve a life that is more than just surviving. And it’s possible to get there, even if it takes a while.

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Connect with someone who understands on WhiteFlag: a free, anonymous, peer support network.

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