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Very Loud Thoughts

Patricia McCoy

Chief Operating Officer, WhiteFlag App


I want you to picture a little girl kneeling next to her bed asking for whoever is in control of our lives to please take her life because she doesn’t want to live in this painful world anymore.

That was me.

Are these suicidal thoughts? I didn’t think they were because I was asking somebody else to end my life. But I was wrong.

Twenty years later I started therapy, and it was the first time I heard about suicidal ideation. All those years I thought it was normal to think about dying, to think about ending my pain. But, it’s not normal.

I needed help, but I had no one to help me.

Well, I survived. And I’m grateful for it, but this isn’t the reality for most people. Sometimes the pain gets very loud, and you can’t hear any other thoughts except painful ones.

You can say, “this is selfish,” but how can a little girl be selfish to the point of not wanting to exist anymore? Suicide isn’t a selfish act. It’s the last act to end our pain. How much pain does a little girl need to endure before death isn’t “selfish?"

The older I got the worse the situation at home became, and with that so too came my suicidal thoughts. I started to have ideas for how I would end my pain myself, but it wasn’t until 2018 that I actually had a plan.

I got a call from my husband in the trauma facility, he was in pain, so much pain. I convinced myself that the reason he was suffering was because of me. I begged him to find help. I begged him to go. He said he was going because of me. I believed deep in my core that it was my fault he was crying, begging to leave that place.

My thoughts, oh my thoughts, they were loud, so loud. You are hurting him, you are hurting his family, you are hurting your family. Why do you think you deserve to be alive? The only thing you do is hurt everybody around you. Did you not learn anything from when YOU put your dad in rehab, and they tortured him? It’s YOUR fault. And you’re doing it again.

That’s it, I can’t hurt anybody else. I called my mom to say how much I loved her, because she needed to know that I wasn’t doing this because of something they did to me. No! It was because of what I was doing to them. To the people I loved.

She was on the phone with me for over an hour. I didn’t tell her what I was thinking, but I think she felt it. After a long time, she made me promise her that I would find help for myself that day. She doesn’t know, but she saved her daughter’s life.

I don’t think I’m a suicide attempt survivor because I never went through with my plan, but maybe that is still a stigma that I carry. Anyway, I have suicidal ideation. Suicidal thoughts are my company on my darkest days, they are my solution, they are my hope to silence the thoughts, an out to end the pain.

But, believe me when I say that suicide and suicidal thoughts are not the only way to end your pain. Connecting with someone who understands you can make all the difference. Talking to my mother that day saved my life. If you are not comfortable with your relatives there are millions of people out there who understand how you feel and can personally relate to your struggles. Give them a chance to hear your pain and help you go through it. Download the WhiteFlag App today and start talking. There are many others just like you and me and connecting with them helps to ease the pain. Join us today!

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