Rebecca Hilliard
Guest Blogger
Some people don’t understand what it’s like to struggle with suicidal thoughts. To be going about your day and suddenly get flooded with thoughts about not wanting to be alive. To be feeling like yourself and then getting flooded with darkness that you can’t control. Because that’s what mental illness and suicidal thoughts do. They seep into your mind, bringing a darkness that is not your own, and take over your brain and your thoughts and feelings. The darkness blinds you to hope, the good things going on in your life, and the possibilities of your future. It takes who you are, your personality and identity, and covers it in a darkness that makes you feel like you’ve lost yourself. It’s so scary and confusing and so hard to explain. Words never feel like enough.
With mental illness and suicidal thoughts, you are literally fighting against your brain to survive. It can make it feel like you are at war with yourself. The part that wants to live and the part that wants you to die. These suicidal thoughts feel like they are a part of you. Your brain makes it sound like a good idea. And it’s so hard to fight against something your brain is telling you is a good idea. It can be so lonely and isolating and difficult to explain to someone that you want to die but you also want to live.
When you get flooded with darkness it’s harder to hold on to the part of you that wants to live. The darkness gets stronger and stronger until that part of you is so faint. But it’s still there and that’s amazing. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, find that part of you that wants to live, no matter how small. Because that is you. That is who you really are. The darkness may have invaded your brain and thoughts, but you are still there too. Focus on the part of you that wants to live. Listen to it. Listen to the reasons why. Write down reasons why you want to stay alive. Your pet, your family, your friends, your job. Focus on those things. Because the darkness doesn’t have to win. You are stronger than the darkness. You can overcome it. If you keep fighting, one day it won’t be as strong. You can drive it out. Therapy helps, having a good support system helps, talking about it helps.
You can text the crisis text line (741-741) or call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (988) if you need help. If you’re feeling alone, download the WhiteFlag App. There are people there who understand what it’s like to struggle with suicidal thoughts. There are people there who have been lost in the darkness and have come out the other side. You are not alone. Help is real. Hope is real. You and your life matter. I believe in you.
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