I Am Not Happy

Anonymous

I don’t feel like writing this. Truth be told, I don’t feel like doing anything at all. However, I have to, because that is the nature of the world we live in: a perpetual machine that continuously operates and moves forward regardless of the state that it is in.

It’s odd, isn’t it? Any other machination simply breaks if you push it past its limit. But the world as a whole—all of humanity, nature, civilization, and time—just trudges forward. Pieces of the awesome machine of life fall off as it goes, collecting new material to replace the old on its path forward to nothing in particular.

To be a small piece of the greater whole that is the “life machine” we live in means you have two options: continue to move forward or atrophy and be left behind. And so we do. We borrow money or overwork ourselves if we don’t have enough income. We stay up late and overcommit ourselves if there are too many things to do. We force feelings and emotionally assimilate if it serves us or others. We haul our asses out of our beds every morning, whether we want to or not. And when we do not, those around us worry and push for us to rejoin the current. We create special facilities to corral the elderly, the homeless, or the incapable when they can no longer support themselves—or simply leave them behind if the cost outweighs the perceived benefit.

Our entire existence is a gleaming, chrome-plated veneer for the sole objective of every living organism on this planet: to perpetuate existence and avoid extinction. This, of course, is now the bare minimum, as the general expectation of any human being is to find ways to excel in anything—and, if possible, everything.

So what is the point?

This is what so many of us find ourselves asking. If our everyday lives are saturated with incentives to perpetuate ourselves, and everything surrounding that framework seems to just be filler material to distract or engage us, what is the end game? What is the goal? Why would I find any sense of motivation in my day-to-day life when my two options are to endlessly continue forward until eventual expiration or be left behind?

I believe the point is to experience the miracle of human connection. No matter how you choose to trudge on—whether you’re happy today or not, regardless of the money you make, the time that you have, or the stage of life that you’re in—we must seek connection with others. Perpetuation may be the inherent biological drive that keeps the ball rolling, but connection with others is what makes it worth rolling in the first place. It is the inexplicable anomaly that contrasts with the natural order: a spiritual tether between organisms trying to survive.

I am not happy. That is okay. I choose to willingly exist in my life during this state of unhappiness and will seek human connection while unhappy. I will seek connection on my daughter’s birthday, as I watch her experience new things for the first time. I will seek connection when I debate and argue with people and learn things I didn’t know before. I will seek connection when I am filled with overwhelming joy at a success I may find, with those around me who support me. I will seek connection in simple interactions with grocery store employees and in the deep wells of my most complex relationships. I will spend time alone and appreciate the difference between connection with others and connection with myself.

The machine of life will endlessly move forward, and with it, all of the societal energy that feeds the primal instinct to exist. But through it, I will continue to find purpose not in the meaning of existence, but in the value of it. I will seek connection.

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