Rebecca Hilliard
Guest Blogger
March is Self-Harm Awareness Month, and talking about it is so important because there is a lot of shame and stigma surrounding it. If you struggle with self-harm, know that it isn’t your fault and that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Self-harm is just as addictive as heroin, and the way it affects our brains makes it incredibly difficult to break the cycle. But it is possible to be free of it.
Self-harm isn’t random. There is a reason why so many people struggle with it. It’s often misunderstood, but for many of us, it becomes a way to try to get our needs met. I started struggling with it in my early 20s. I had just started therapy, and the therapist I was seeing was terrible. Self-harm became a way for me to "express myself" and release my anger and frustration. I was experiencing intense emotions and chaos, but I didn’t have the words for any of it. I thought that if I could make visible marks on my arms, they would reflect how I was feeling inside. I believed that if other people saw them, they would understand my pain.
Even after I found a better therapist, I continued using self-harm as a way to express myself. I’m a trauma survivor, and finding the right words to explain how awful the trauma was—and how terrible I felt—was incredibly difficult. Self-harm became a way for me to ask for help. I didn’t know how to verbalize my pain or how to communicate that I needed support. I worried that people wouldn’t believe me if I just told them, but I thought that if they saw my physical wounds, they would know I was struggling emotionally as well.
However, my therapist taught me that when people see self-inflicted wounds, they don’t necessarily understand what we’re trying to express. They don’t automatically recognize them as a reflection of emotional turmoil. She slowly began teaching me how to express myself with words and helped me understand that I can get the support I need through communication, not through self-harm.
A lot of people who struggle with self-harm also battle intense self-hatred and anger. Self-harm becomes a way to take those emotions out on ourselves. We believe we deserve pain, and when we are consumed by anger, self-harm feels like a release. I am a childhood abuse survivor, and my abusers taught me that I deserved pain. That belief still lingers. At times, I convince myself that if I hurt myself, no one else will—so in a way, it feels "protective."
While self-harm may serve a purpose in the moment, it is highly addictive and incredibly difficult to stop. Breaking free from it means learning healthier ways to meet our needs. My therapist has been instrumental in helping me with this. It’s a slow process, but I know that one day, I will be fully recovered.
Finding alternatives to self-harm has been life-changing. I made a list of coping strategies, and every time I have the urge to self-harm, I go down the list and try to use these tools instead. Here are some of the things that help me:
Going outside—whether it’s walking, biking, swimming, or just sitting in the sun
Using sensory distractions, like holding ice, taking a hot or cold shower, putting my face in the freezer, or taking an ice bath
Expressing myself through writing, drawing, coloring, painting, or even scribbling on paper
Writing my feelings directly on my arm instead of hurting myself
Finding healthy ways to release anger, like throwing ice against a wall, writing unsent letters to people I’m angry at, or ripping up paper
Calling or texting a friend
Playing brain games on my phone
Snuggling with my dog
Using grounding techniques to engage my senses
The WhiteFlag app has also been a great tool. Even if you don’t have anyone in your life to talk to, there are people on the app who will understand what you’re going through. It’s completely anonymous, which makes it feel safe.
I also strongly encourage you to find a therapist if you don’t already have one. They can support you as you learn new coping tools and discover healthier ways to express yourself.
You are not alone in this. Recovery is absolutely possible—and it’s worth it.
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Connect with someone who understands on WhiteFlag: a free, anonymous, peer support network. Now!
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