Rebecca Hilliard
Guest Blogger
If you have Borderline Personality Disorder you are not alone. I know how stigmatized and misunderstood this mental illness is and it’s awful. It’s not fair that you have to deal with a mental illness and also deal with the stigma surrounding it. You are not what the stigma says. You are not broken or crazy. You are not messed up or unlovable. You have a mental illness and it’s not your fault. I know the self hatred that can come from having a mental illness like this. It’s easy to blame yourself and think that something is wrong with you. I know how confusing it can be to so desperately want love and acceptance but to feel like you’re pushing away everyone who could give that to you.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
BPD is a personality disorder but it’s not your personality. You are still you, and you are still amazing! You are separate from your mental illness even if it feels like you are enmeshed with it. You are still whole and lovable even if it feels like BPD has changed who you are. I’m so sorry that you have this complicated and confusing mental illness. I wish I could take it away. I wish you could see yourself as whole and lovable. You deserve the love and acceptance you crave. You deserve to feel safe and secure in relationships. You deserve to feel like not everyone is going to abandon you. Honestly it makes sense that being so afraid of abandonment would make you want to push people away. It’s self protective and it feels like if you can reject them first then it won’t hurt as much if they reject you. I get it. I understand how hard it can be to believe that someone will really love you and stay with you. I understand the push/pull that comes with every relationship you have. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. BPD is caused by external things that were out of your control. It can come from having certain genes that were passed down to you. It can come from having certain parts of your brain that aren’t working properly. It can be the result of childhood abuse or neglect. It can be the result of not having a stable caregiver or someone safe to attach to when you were young. None of these things are your fault.
I want you to know that healing and recovery are possible. Your life won’t always be crippled by this mental illness. With therapy and the right medications and support you can still have a good/fulfilling life. I know it might feel like no one understands what you’re going through but there are people who do. Even if you can’t find anyone in your life right now there are other people who will understand. There are people on the WhiteFlag App who will understand. You can connect with other people who have BPD through this app. It’s a great way to get support. If you don’t currently have a therapist I definitely recommend finding one. If you don’t know how to find one go to TWLOHA.com and they can help connect you with one. Please know that you and your life are worth it. You matter. You deserve recovery. You deserve help and support. I’m sending you love. You are not alone in this.
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