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A New Year Doesn’t Have to Mean New Pressure

Rebecca Hilliard Guest Blogger

Hand holds a yellow rock with "HOPE" written on it in black. The background is grayscale, highlighting the rock. Mood is optimistic.

When I was a kid, I told myself that I wouldn’t panic about not being married until I turned 25. I imagined myself married with kids of my own—I even picked out names for them. I dreamed about what my job would be, hoping to become a Marine Biologist or a Veterinarian. But the trauma I experienced derailed all of those dreams and plans.

I endured severe, prolonged child abuse, and now, at age 35, I’m still trying to recover from it. My life is nothing like I pictured. I’m still single and have never had a long-term relationship because physical intimacy terrifies me. I can only work part-time and from home because my PTSD remains debilitating. Getting through each day feels like a battle.


I live with constant panic and anxiety. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and there’s so much chaos in my mind. Being social is difficult because of how easily I get triggered, and I feel unsafe all the time. This is definitely not the life I imagined for myself.


I want so much more than this. I want to travel, go on adventures, have a social life, and feel safe. I want life to feel worth living. I’ve been working so hard to get there. For over ten years, I’ve been in therapy, trying to recover from the abuse and how it derailed my life. While I am no longer suicidal and have made progress, the start of another year has been really hard for me.


The New Year brings celebrations, resolutions, and plans for what people hope to accomplish. Meanwhile, I feel discouraged as another year of struggle begins. It’s hard to believe this year could be better when past years have been so difficult. The New Year reminds me of how far my life is from what I wanted and how much the abuse has affected me.


I’m sharing this because I want those of you who feel the same way to know you’re not alone. Maybe no one in your life understands, but there are those of us who do. As trauma survivors, people with mental illness, or anyone going through something hard, we understand what it’s like to feel discouraged at the start of a new year. We understand.

I wish I could sit with you, hear your story, and help you feel less alone because I know how hard it is when no one around you gets it.


Someone recently asked me what helps when I feel this way about the start of a new year. It might sound cliché, but naming the positives in my life helps me. For me, that’s my sweet dog, my therapist, my chiropractor, my neighbor, and my apartment. It also helps to note the differences between now and ten years ago.


I’m no longer suicidal. I have a therapist who knows how to help me. I’ve gained so much insight and understand myself better. Thinking about how things could be different ten years from now also gives me hope. If things can improve, even in small ways, over ten years, then the future holds potential too.


I hold on to my hopes and dreams and remind myself why I’m working so hard to recover. One day, I WILL be able to do more. This might not work for everyone, but I also imagine how things might be different in the afterlife or next life. I remind myself that nothing here is permanent and that if things don’t get better in this life, they might in the next.

If you’re looking for someone to talk to, I recommend trying the WhiteFlag app. There are people there who will understand what you’re going through and offer support. Even if no one in your life gets it, people here do. You can also send me a message on Instagram. My account is @inthistogethernow_. Sending you love.


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Connect with someone who understands on WhiteFlag: a free, anonymous, peer support network. Now!



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